


What I Can't Grasp

by ItsaPseudonym8



Category: Naruto
Genre: Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Depression, Don't Try This At Home, Other, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Don't Kill Me, References to Depression, Starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-01 09:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13995462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsaPseudonym8/pseuds/ItsaPseudonym8
Summary: In the face of hatred, hatred was returned, but if anyone loved, in return they would be showered with intense devotion and loyalty. This is the story of Akio Uchiha, a child left to his clan's hatred because of his father's mistakes.





	What I Can't Grasp

**Author's Note:**

> Edited and I also added more, since the first edit was totally stupid cliffhanger. Now it's an intelligent cliffhanger.

Being the son of a traitor is hard. But Akio was used to the treatment so he didn’t notice anymore when he was slighted. He’d never had much pride, unccarring for the material, so being disappointed by his father’s lack of honour wasn’t an option. Despite this he was jealous; jealous of the others around him that could feel the simple love one human gives another. Be it platonic, romantic or parental. Any type of love would have filled his heart to overflowing, making his happiness. Not this cold house his mother has locked herself up in, not a clan that pretends he doesn’t exist. He feels cold, even under the grace of the sun, beating down on his sweat laden back as he trains.

His body can no longer feel the change in temperatures, can no longer feel pain. That’s why when they throw the stones he doesn’t react. When the blood trails down from his wounds he can’t care. It’s nothing compared to the hole in his heart, that leaks away his sanity everyday.

It’s also why he doesn’t understand why his two passing cousins stopped them, the children who beat him. His understanding keeps drowning in these newfound actions of two he’d seen but never spoken to. Why did they react to it like that? Akio knew himself to be useless, useless enough that they didn’t bother telling him why he couldn’t use the clan jutsu despite having sharingan. Enough that his mother would not love him--

“Are you okay?” A smile graced his cousin’s face as he knelt down before Akio. His smile was one filled with concern and care, unlike so many derisive others Akio’d seen. His short curly hair framed his genial face and his big coal eyes filled with kindness.

“He’s bled a lot, we should bring him to the hospital.” As the other hovered over him, long hair tied up in a low ponytail, he felt motherly. Akio wondered absently if this is how the love of a family felt… the very little he could understand of it.

Silently Akio shook his head, and used a simple healing jutsu on himself. He couldn’t feel pain but he wanted to live, prompting his wish to learn it before. The only jutsu he could learn were limited to those he could find in Konoha’s public library, nothing more. And those were mostly just theory, as actual jutsu were stored elsewhere. Akio had, in essence, created his own healing jutsu.

His two cousins were surprised at Akio’s proficiency with the jutsu, but covered their confusion quickly as they helped him up. Akio nodded his thanks as he turned away, he didn’t intend to intrude himself into their lives, despite their kindness they must have loathed him also. But he was stopped by a hand on his arm, grasp light but immovable. He turned to his accoster with a questioning stare.

The taller of the two smiled and asked in a tone that brooked no denial “Come eat some dango with us.” His curly hair moved with the wind as he dragged Akio along. The shorter boy huffed in annoyance. He was apparently upset the elder curly-head boy had invited Akio. This reaffirmed Akio’s suspicions of their hidden hatred.

Even so the curly-head boy laughed and teased his long-haired companion. “Come on Itachi don’t pout. I’ll still give you lots of dango.” Itachi _humphed_ and turned his head away. He remained quiet even as curly-head asked Akio several privacy-infringing questions. “What’s your name?” He didn’t really expect an answer. That’s why he was surprised by Akio answering straightforwardly.

“Akio.” His voice was rough and deep for his age, a strange contrast from his skinny form.

“Why were they throwing stones at you Akio?” Curly-head covered his surprise with another query. Akio just shrugged. He didn’t actually know why, but he had a few guesses.

“Routine.” Was all he answered though. Itachi openly showed his shock here, turning to Akio with a disbelieving face.

Curly head sighed and asked “Why do you seem to not care that they do this?” He felt bad for asking Akio such questions but couldn’t stop himself.

Akio looked thoughtful for a while. He ended up shrugging again, the cold of his body dropping lower as he thought of it.

“Name?” Akio asked the boy, curly-head, who seemed about his age.

“My name’s Shisui Uchiha, and this is Itachi Uchiha. We’re cousins.” Shisui turned to introduce Itachi, whose name Akio had already caught. They didn’t seem to notice Akio being of the same clan, but Akio was generally without presence and ignored so it wasn’t a revelation. He just nodded his head in greeting, Akio didn’t need to introduce himself a second time.

They arrived at the dango shop in no time, despite Akio’s reluctance to reach it. He didn’t much like sweets. They were foreign to him, something people gave to each other to show affection. Or ate to feel satisfaction. Akio did neither of those things. He ate what he could and was bereft of affection. So he felt left out when they began to enjoy themselves at the quaint shop, not a new feeling. He picked up the stick of orb-candy Shisui had bought for him. His stomach somehow rumbled in spite of his dislike of the substance. He blinked in confusion.

Itachi noticed his belly’s protests of hunger and mistook it for his love of the food showing. Shisui was sadly not so oblivious.

“Do you like dango Akio?” Itachi had a naivete about him as he asked the piercing question.

Akio shook his head, unsure what it was to like a food. Most of the food he ate was made by himself, and he didn’t have a knack for it. Burnt rice was a common occurrence.

Itachi was confused, first of all by _anyone's_ dislike of dango, and second by the reason for the grumbling sounds Akio’s stomach made. Then it hit him, and he understood Akio’s life a little more. He’d already felt pity for the older boy before, but now he could only wonder what he went through daily. But Akio seemed not to notice Itachi’s confliction and began to eat what was given him. Whatever food it was, he would not turn down a free meal. He expected to be beat up afterwards as payment, though.

Itachi noticed Shisui being strangely silent, and rightly guessed he knew more of the situation than he let on. Itachi planned to ambush Shisui with questions later. For now enjoying his dango took precedence.

Akio’s first sweet tasted, well, sweet. The sticky, bouncy and squishy substance felt strange in his cold hands; felt awkwardly warm in his empty stomach. What was this feeling he felt as he ate it? A prick in his chest that wouldn’t let up. He pressed the aching cavity of his torso, hoping the long forgotten feeling of pain would go away, like he had ignored it all these years. Akio got up after he finished and bowed to his cousins before saying and awkward “thank you” and turned to leave.

Shisui and Itachi wanted to stop him, but didn’t know how. Impulsively Shisui had taken him by the arm before, and become startled by the boy’s lack of body heat. He felt cold in fact, despite it being a hot summer and Akio wearing long sleeves and dark clothing. He didn’t want to feel that again, and had no words to convince Akio to stay. So he could only watch as the boy left with placid face and silent footsteps. Itachi was never much for words, becoming tongue-tied many a time, but hiding it by the sheer expressionlessness he displayed. This was one of those times, no action from any angle seemed workable.

The enigma, Akio, left unobstructed and returned to the Uchiha compound unnoticed. None the better for his wear, none the better. He was surprised his cousins didn’t hurt him in some way, though he attributed it to their ignorance. They didn’t know his name afterall.

On his way back he’d finally understood something.

It had taken him awhile, but that feeling in his chest was sadness. That feeling in his stomach jealousy, and the coldness in his limbs, hatred. He was a true Uchiha, through and through. If he could not love, he could only hate, leaving him numb of any other feeling to block out the pain.

He sighed, strength leaving him as he entered the genkan of his dark house, not home. As he heard the rush of feet coming toward him to hurt him again. As his mother tore his skin open, beat his frail body and burnt his already scarred arms and legs. The unsightly person who was just hungering for a little bit of love could only hate the world around him. Cursing it’s existence as he craved its love.

When his mother had done with him, leaving without a word, Akio curled in on himself, hoping. Hoping maybe tomorrow would be different and he could still see the children playing together in the street, happy. For regardless of the pain and jealousy it caused him, he enjoyed their happiness. He felt through them he could retain a bit of what it was to have a normal childhood. He laid like that, in the entrance of the house, for the rest of the day. He was too exhausted to move. He didn’t care to treat the countless injuries littering his body, unless they were serious. After that he crawled his way to the kitchen and ate anything edible before retreating to his room to sleep. Even if sleep wasn’t a safe-haven for him; even if his dreams were littered with horror.

Even if it reinforced his aloneness.

When he woke, it wasn't with the feeling of refreshment a new day brings. It was with the reluctance and hope his mother still slept.  
Akio left the house silently, wary even if he couldn't hear his mother, and not brave enough to look for her. He doggedly made his way out of the compound grounds, thankfully ignored by the guards and not detained. He was unwilling to undergo detainment again because they allegedly "forgot his face." When he reached Konoha's market streets, the people's disdain for him lessened, as they simply didn't care. Or didn't recognize him.

Listlessly he made his way to buy the few things he needed, and could afford, with the money he had scrounged up. He was surprised to see his two cousins again, roaming the streets, all smiles and happiness. Afraid of what they might do upon seeing his face, be it good or bad, Akio hid. He wasn’t sure if he was more scared of the “good” than he was of the bad. The bad he knew, how it hurt and left him empty, but what others considered “good” was foreign. He wasn’t sure that if once he felt it he would ever be able to live without it again.

As his cousins passed, he finally noticed the little boy trailing behind them, his small figure had been hidden by their larger ones. Akio had met the boy once before, he was a sweet child and many adored him, though he was often overlooked because of the brightness of his older brother. In that moment Akio had been careless, let the child see him. Akio brought a finger to his lips, hoping the boy would not alert the other two. The boy, not very surreptitiously, glanced at his brother and cousin, before running off in Akio’s direction. Akio was startled by the boy’s actions and quickly grabbed the boy, ducking into a nearby alley. The child made a noise of surprise that was barely muffled by Akio’s hand before calming down. Itachi and Shisui heard the small cry and turned to find Sasuke gone, they became worried and started looking around for their charge. Akio managed to avoid them in their avid search, and got away to one of the many Konoha training grounds, huffing at the effort of carrying Sasuke there. Although a year older than Shisui, he was still a malnourished teen, and not a very fit one.

Sasuke giggled thinking it had all been a game, hide ‘n seek. “Akio-niisan show me one of those tricks from before! The really cool ones! Please?” he mustered up some doleful pouty-eyes, hoping to win the elder boy over. Sasuke, being the spoiled youngest of his family, was actually quite good at manipulation, and Akio was weak to children.

Of all the Uchiha, Sasuke was probably the only one who recognized Akio as a clanmate, and treated him as a human. It was scary facing the boy’s innocence and not being able to do anything about it, the clan head stood behind him and Akio couldn’t _outright_ deny him anything. But despite all that Akio still adored children, their sweetness (when shown to him and untainted by their parents words against him) sent a thrill through his body and caused an unknown, sweet warmth. It made him feel happy.

“Okay, little one.” despite disliking being called “little one” in general, somehow Sasuke liked when Akio said it with such warmth. Akio took a deep breath and gathered some chakra in his palms, making it glow a soft green. He formed the chakra into a small ball, making it almost solid, and let it float on it’s own. It slowly began to unravel itself and made a small explosion, like a firework. Sasuke giggled in happiness at the sight, and Akio felt himself smiling slightly at the boy’s apparent excitement, unwatchful of his surroundings. It was his undoing.

“Sasuke!” Itachi ran up to them and latched onto his little brother. He glared at Akio, wary of the boy who had stolen his precious person.

“Calm down Itachi.” came Shisui’s startling voice, Akio jumped. Turning to the new arrival he hoped he wouldn't be hurt by him today. Something in Shisui’s voice told him the other wasn’t happy.

Shisui was surprised by Akio’s apprehensive face, and took in the situation. No matter how he looked at it, Akio had indeed “kidnapped” Sasuke. The child seemed to know him, and Akio wasn’t as leary of the child as he was with them. Though he did seem disgruntled. It was only recently Shisui had found out who Akio was. An Uchiha, the son of the traitor. At this point Shisui didn’t know if he should pity the boy or put him out of his misery. Sighing Shisui spoke again, “What are you doing Akio?”

At being addressed, said person stiffened, by Shisui’s tone of voice he knew. He knew that Shisui had found out. Found out who he was. He turned his face away and collected himself, what should he say?

Itachi had looked on, confused, when Shisui had made his appearance. Akio had clearly reacted strangely to Shisui’s question, and Itachi narrowed his eyes, thinking it admission of some guilt.

Akio let out a silent breathe, speaking was hard, since hardly anyone spoke to him. “I was just talking to him.” His deep, gravelly voice grated on his own nerves, somewhat hoarse. Why couldn’t he be normal?

Itachi loosened his grip a little on Sasuke, remembering his last encounter with the boy, and his conversation with Shisui afterward. He remembered just who he was dealing with, a lonely outcast. His own, neglected cousin, distant though he may be, still a clanmate. Itachi’s shoulders slumped, Akio may have been hurt, damaged and neglected, but he’d never acted out against those who did it. And thinking back to the small smile Itachi had managed to catch, it was stupid to think Akio would hurt Sasuke.

“Niisan, how do you know Akio-niisan?” Sasuke’s oblivious voice broke through the thick atmosphere.

“That’s what I should be asking you, baka.” Itachi flicked Sasuke’s forehead. Sasuke pouted.

“You should have seen it niisan! He made a huge _boom_ and then it made pretty sparks fell and it was like the fire of a dragon!” Sasuke gushed and Itachi raised an eyebrow at the pondering Shisui. From his information Akio had not been allowed to learn any clan jutsu, but what Sasuke just described… it sounded like a Katon: Ryūka no Jutsu. He turned to Akio, gaze questioning.

Akio squirmed under the attention, Sasuke had outed him. Now he would be in trouble with the clan for imitating the techniques his was disallowed from learning. His skinny form seemed to shrink when all three just stared at him. Seriously didn’t they know it was impolite to stare? Even without his mother teaching him, Akio knew that much. How could they not? Deciding he did not want to deal with this on an empty stomach, which it had just attested to in the growing silence. Akio turned to leave, muttering “goodbye” quietly. His cheeks were red, slightly.

Shisui again took this chance to grab the older boy’s arm, and somehow he could feel the soft roiling chakra flowing there. It was surprising, to say the least, that Akio had such a strong chakra. Not that he’d expected anything less, Akio’s father had been a strong shinobi before his downfall, renowned for his prowess. But it also made the boy’s cold body seem warmer.

“Stay for a minute Akio, I’d like to talk to you.” Shisui looked at the sun, it was about noon and he felt somewhat hungry himself. “Let’s all go eat something, and then talk.” he drug Akio’s silently protesting form along as they made their way to Ichiraku's ramen.

Akio was worried, he only so much money, getting one bowl of ramen was equal to a bag of rice, he could eat a bag for at least 2 weeks, but a bowl was gone in a sitting. And somehow he couldn’t bring himself to say he didn’t have enough money, it made him ashamed of himself, his origins.

Shisui, though not totally aware of Akio’s situation, had never expected for him to pay. So he forced the abstinent Akio to eat a bowl, insisting it was his treat. As Itachi lent half an ear to Sasuke’s rambling, he found himself listening to Shisui’s mostly one-sided conversation with Akio.

“Did you ever go to the academy Akio?” Akio shook his head.

“How did you learn medical jutsu, your mother teach you?” Akio stiffened at mention of his mother, but relaxed and shook his head, refusing to speak with his mouth full.

“Then how’d you learn it? Did you get a medic nin to teach you?” Shisui turned to Akio. Akio swallowed and cleared his throat.

“I taught myself.” Shisui and Itachi were both surprised. The implications of that statement were tremendous. If he taught himself, did that mean he injured himself to practice? Or was he injured enough already to not need self-inflicted wounds? Either way was very dangerous and sad... In any case, he was proficient at the jutsu, but Akio didn't find that amazing, after all he could only use one medical jutsu and barely any attack ones. he felt like a failure, and once again wished he could be a normal boy, learning the clan jutsus like his cousins and feel the warmth of a family.

"You taught yourself?" Shisui asked, worried and choosing his words carefully. "Isn't that dangerous? Shouldn't your mother know this?"

Akio stiffened once again, the coldness overtaking his body telling of the intense hatred he felt for that name. Thinking of it, Akio felt the irony and snorted. He wanted so much to have a  _Mother_ and feel her warm love, but his own  _mother_ only garnered his loathing. Shisui took Akio's snort as a scoff at the thought of a guardian helping him learn, and regretted his wording. And while he wasn't entirely wrong, no adult would help Akio, he wasn't right either. Akio was scoffing at adults in general.

"I don't have a mother." Was Akio's cold response, he had fully denounced any weight that title held over him but  _fear_. That woman did not deserve his affection and respect.

Shisui, and the eavesdropping Itachi, were confused. They remembered clearly that Akio had a mother, it was confirmed by the clan-head, Fugaku, himself. So why was Akio denying it? Surely he didn't think they were stupid. It didn't seem in Akio's nature to underestimate someone. No, there was a different reason. Akio didn't acknowledge his own mother. What that implied was worse than the treatment Konoha gave Akio in general. Something was incredibly wrong here, but Shisui never had time to investigate further as Akio suddenly bolted up, threw down some money and ran out the restaurant, lookin harried. Shisui tried to follow him but was stopped by Teuchi asking for him to not "hit and run" again. He turned to the old man and paid in full for all of their meals, trying to run out before being called again.

"Shisui, what do I do about this? That skinny kid left it." Teachi held up a wrinkled looking old bill, obviously well-worn, as if someone had held onto it for a long time.

"Here give it to me, I'll return it to him." Shisui grabbed the money and shunshined out of the shop. His departure was echoed by cries of "Wait Shisui!" by all the remaining people in the shop.

But Shisui was gone and their was no way to catch up with him as he speeded to Akio's one known residence, the only place Shisui knew to look. When Shisui arrived there he was surprised at the state of the house. What was once a high-end well kept house was obviously showing signs of wear. But it wasn't only that, the house looked like it had been ransacked. Sliding doors on the floor, paper torn. Holes in the walls, trash and drawer contents littering the ruined floors. But that wasn't the most disturbing scene. No the most disturbing thing about this house was, first, there was no one there. Second, a large pool of blood splattered the kitchen floor. An unassuming pile of horror.

Shisui didn't know who it belonged to, and tried his best not to think of the worst. He would  _not_ believe Akio had gotten seriously hurt, or worse, dead. So Shisui searched throughout Konoha, not finding hide or hair of his graceless form. But he did find a clue. In a cheap, tasteless barely-legal bar on the outskirts of the hidden village, sat a rowdy woman, totally drunk. She was rambling about ungrateful children and useless husbands. This was Akio's mother, a stark contrast to the silent, cold person she showed to her son.

Shisui had to fight the urge to push away the woman as he took her by the collar demanding Akio's whereabouts. Her stench was that bad. Had she never bathed?

"Hahahahaha!" the woman drawled out her laugh, "Someone actually cares about that brat? He's no good, that's why I sold him. I told the brat if he didn't come home on time that's what would happen! Hahaha, look at your face! It's like a twisted up dango! Haha!" Shisui was enraged by the woman's lack of decorum and morals. He wanted to wipe her off the face of the earth, if possible. But, fortunately or unfortunatly, he _had_ morals.

But morals don't bring sold children back.

Time for some intense interrogation.

**Author's Note:**

> Shisui is my anger at child abuse showing here, like seriously. I hate that stuff. This story first started out as an exercise on character writing, but then I decided to turn it into a Naruto fanfic. And then I decided to post it here. So yeah, spur of the moment. Hope you like, btw here's cool Shisui fanart:  
> https://wretchedgabe.tumblr.com/image/172015509729


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